a late bloomer's guide to chaotic lesbianism

By sparrow Gore

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An ode to my messy dating life. To baby gays figuring things out. That we look upon ourselves with tremendous grace, kindness, and warmth.

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First, you’ll need to start with a series of homoerotic friendships,

join a throuple to a hetero marriage that’s falling apart,

get your sense and leave,

fall for another bisexual woman looking to distract herself, then fall for three more after this one,

learn your god damn lesson (please),

go on a two-year long road trip, devote yourself to storytelling, and have meaningful, momentary connections with strangers all across the south of turtle island

have a few summer flings, dance wildly at clubs, make out in public,

move somewhere new. discover anarchy, and learn words like “abolition”, “food sovereignty”, “land back”. get rageful beyond what you knew your body could hold

move again. This time, stay a while…

block your sneaky link but text them over Venmo once you’re ovulating,

get so embarrassed that you start focusing on yourself again

find a way to stop killing your plants, talk to the soil,

work on your avoidant attachment style until you realize that there was never anything wrong with you to begin with. Until you realize that wounds are the only reaction to being cut.

Until you realize all you ever needed was patience,

and finally, finally, decide for yourself, what love is.

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Love is not extractive. It multiplies, like expanding roots of a tree. Love is not extractive. It adds, like precious sunlight peeking through thick clouds on a winter solstice. Love is not extractive.

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I heard somewhere that people who are afraid of commitment have nothing to offer a relationship. It was the first thing to ease my heart after I’d become infatuated with someone who wanted me close but not too close. And it was the last fantasy I entertained before I concluded I was worthy of secure, and emotionally safe connections.

Though I regard all bonds as a way of showing us something important about ourselves, there is a particular side of people that only reveals after time, after shared history and longevity. Now that I’ve met this person within myself, I’m enchanted.

I’m completely taken away with who I become, when I feel loved, seen, and valued. I am perceptive, generous, playful. I am trustworthy, protective, and intentional. And I think that’s where the real magic is. Love opens doors. Love clears paths to more love.

So yeah. Follow your heart even when it takes you to chaotic places. The more you listen, the clearer it becomes and eventually you find a place to settle in. And that place is yourself. You become a home to yourself. And you see that you were worth it, you were worth all the wandering.

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sparrow Gore (they/them) is reimagining a softer planet. sparrow Gore is a lesbian Sudanese-American farmer, abolitionist and writer. sparrow’s work is informed by Black feminist tradition, and liberationists Audre Lorde, Nikki Giovanni, bell hooks, and Octavia Butler ; who moved forward a sociopolitical movement that challenged the intersecting oppression and tactics of racial capitalism. sparrow seeks to make portals with their language, to take us to the hearts of reality and the limitlessness of Black queer imaginations.


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