Still Alive
LJ Pemberton
Malarkey Books, 2024, 290 pages
$19.00

Reviewed by Rae Theodore

LJ Pemberton’s Still Alive is a raw, evocative exploration of love, self-discovery, and the relentless quest for meaning against the backdrop of a fractured American landscape. The novel traces the tumultuous journey of V, a bisexual temp worker whose life is intricately entangled with Lex, a butch painter. Pemberton’s narrative deftly captures the poignant complexities of V’s relationships and personal growth, weaving a story that is both deeply intimate and widely resonant.

From the moment V meets Lex at an underground punk show, their chemistry ignites a whirlwind romance that drives much of the novel’s emotional core. “We’re waiting and she says her name is Lex. The x trips off like every other name is lacking without it” (17). Pemberton’s prose is both lyrical and incisive, capturing the dynamics of love, heartbreak, and obsession. I found myself going back and re-reading sentences to let the words roll around on my tongue a little longer.

Lex, with her artistic flair and strong presence, becomes a central figure in V’s search for stability and identity. “There was poetry in the way she carried groceries from the store. There was meaning in the way she ignored responsibility. I wanted her. I wanted to be her. I barely knew myself,” V acknowledges (22).

However, their on-again, off-again relationship is far from idyllic, punctuated by the dysfunction of V’s family, which looms over her like a specter. “The problem is I know how it all ends, in blood and quiet, and I learned that final lesson when I was too young to know what was routine and what was unusual and how everyone mixes up the two,” V says (276).

In parallel, the novel examines V’s relationship with Leroy, her gay best friend, who has chosen a more serene rural existence. Leroy’s peaceful life serves as a foil to V’s restless pursuit of meaning, highlighting her internal conflict and dissatisfaction. Pemberton skillfully portrays V’s inability to find contentment, whether in the structured routines of temp work or the conventional expectations of mainstream life.

Pemberton’s narrative is not merely a chronicle of V’s romantic entanglements and family discord–it’s also a profound meditation on the search for personal freedom and authenticity. V’s restless journey across the United States from New York City to Portland to Los Angeles symbolizes her broader quest for self-fulfillment and a life defined on her terms.

Still Alive is a modern-day Rubyfruit Jungle that will resonate with anyone who has ever grappled with finding their place in a world that seems perpetually at odds with their true self. If you’ve rarely found yourself represented in a book, you just might catch a glimpse of yourself in Pemberton’s.

Rae Theodore (she/they) is the author of the memoir collections Leaving Normal and My Mother Says Drums Are for Boys and the poetry chapbook How to Sit Like a Lesbian. She is the story curator for the new anthology Swagger: A Celebration of the Butch Experience.